Well, here's the scope; I am a missionary. With that comes certain expectations to behave and conduct myself in a manner that is fitting for the calling. I have no idea why God has called me to be a missionary. I am not worthy nor am I very disciplined for such an honor.
How can I live in a manner that is truly pleasing to God and not just a show?
My problem is I have high tolerance for sin in others and myself. This conclusion came to me after many years believing my sin made me never good enough for God. I tried and failed all the time. Then one day, in my self-hatred, Jesus showed me that sin no longer had the power over me; He nailed it to the cross and I was free. I can do wrong things and still be loved and accepted by God. This was really quite liberating...because I do wrong things all the time. However as missionaries, we are dependent on the generosity of others and therefore feel a sense of accountability to them. Missionaries tend to become very skilled at covering up their sin (or denying their true self) in an attempt that they may be above reproach. As if I could ever be above reproach. The last thing I want others to think of me is, 'above reproach'.
Far better that I am known as I am, sin and all. That way you get what you see.
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