painting pretty pictures

We've been here two months, ONLY TWO MONTHS; and I am miserable. Everything is hard. I have only two friends; I need dozens more.  I am very tired of this culture.  Everything here---yes! EVERYTHING is done half-ass. Everything needs to be fixed.  EVEN BRAND NEW FURNITURE NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!  I hate hauling water! I hate not having what I need to bake! I hate improvising for measuring cups---the cookies never come out right!  I can not understand how anyone can think THIS life is so exciting and fulfilling??

Not so pretty, eh? Kind of ugly, actually.

Ugly colors make ugly pictures. So here I am, a missionary---with the responsibility to communicate back to the church on how God is working.  But, truth be told, I think it's more like helping the church feel good about supporting us. Ya see, during our previous missionary travels, I publicly shared my personal struggles---honestly, openly, and without filters. So many from over 20 other supporting churches expressed sincere appreciation for my true colors, which, of course, encouraged me to keep sharing.  However, after being confronted by our church leadership about my not so pretty depictions of life on the mission field, I realized they preferred a lighter shade of my true colors---don't change them, just lighten it up. The message I got: Paint pretty pictures with not so pretty colors.

So that's it...people want to feel good about supporting missionaries.  Why of course! And pretty pictures feel good.  It's so missionary-like to write and express about the wonderment of living on the mission field, the great work being done in the name of Christ, and the utter satisfaction of living a life set apart. The irony is that every missionary knows that this is not the real story. But it's the story my church leadership wants to hear--oh, let a touch pity be seen, but if the missionary's experience is too ugly, or too hard, or too sad, or too whatever, then it must not be from God.  Surely, God's will is 'happily ever after.'  What a pip!

And since I mentioned God's will---could it be that God's will is wherever we find ourselves, regardless of our personal comfort or present state of mind? Is not God's will to be with us? Sometimes life just ain't pretty...even when we are walking humbly with God in faithful obedience. Sometimes the journey is just hard, ugly, sad, and utterly lonely.

Sometimes there's just nothing pretty to paint.

how bad is bad?

Just wondering....I mean, I have been having some fun and letting my hair down. But I can't help but wonder if I am being bad.  God, I want to be a child that brings joy and love and happiness to all I meet.  So why do I feel bad about that?  And then I question, how bad is bad? Where is the line?  It seems I knew it so well one time and now it isn't so clear. 

What happened?

dreamin'

Had a dream last night...strange things those dreams.  Makes me wonder what is trapped in this head of mine.  I have vivid dreams, intensely vivid dreams where I wake up convinced I just experienced the dream as if it just actually happened.  I oftentimes wake up so disoriented that I have no idea what day it is, where I am, or what I am doing.  And sometimes, not often, but sometimes I have to remember who I am.  It's crazy.

I have also noticed that as my stress level rises, the dreams become more bizarre.  In this dream I was some place rather public and I was topless.  It was strange in that it was ok that I was topless; it wasn't bothersome to anyone, including me.  I felt somewhat exposed but yet I was able to engage and interact with the people in the dream.  The exposure or embarrassment was more like a feeling you would have if you were under-dressed, that's all.  But still, I woke up wondering WHAT was THAT all about.

I am sure if I were to explore it more with a psychoanalyst I could decipher my unconscious and find underlying emotions, but I don't need to.  These dreams are what a friend once called 'anxiety dreams.'  We're moving across the world to live and serve in Africa!  Hello?  We have joined a new mission.  Stressful; wonderfully stressful.  I am in a position of great responsibility, therefore adding even more stress and anxiety.  I don't need a therapist to tell me all this stress and anxiety is coming out in my dream life.

But out of curiosity, I googled the Dream Dictionary online and found  a couple of different meanings for nakedness; vulnerability or openness.  Both seem to fit, as extreme as they are.  I am feeling vulnerable and yet have nothing to hide, I am open, as we press forward.  I have to admit, reading the meanings gave me a bit of comfort: A note of commonality. 

Hey, here's a wandering thought....maybe I should keep a dream log.  Oh man, that just might be the next 50 shades of.....Miss Jones.

Vulnerability or openness
Read more at: http://www.thecuriousdreamer.com/dreamdictionary/ Copyright 2012 The Curious Dreamer

Vulnerability or openness
Read more at: http://www.thecuriousdreamer.com/dreamdictionary/ Copyright 2012 The Curious Dreamer

sin boldly

Well, here's the scope; I am a missionary.  With that comes certain expectations to behave and conduct myself in a manner that is fitting for the calling.  I have no idea why God has called me to be a missionary.  I am not worthy nor am I very disciplined for such an honor.

How can I live in a manner that is truly pleasing to God and not just a show?

My problem is I have high tolerance for sin in others and myself.  This conclusion came to me after many years believing my sin made me never good enough for God. I tried and failed all the time.  Then one day, in my self-hatred, Jesus showed me that sin no longer had the power over me; He nailed it to the cross and I was free. I can do wrong things and still be loved and accepted by God. This was really quite liberating...because I do wrong things all the time.  However as missionaries, we are dependent on the generosity of others and therefore feel a sense of accountability to them. Missionaries tend to become very skilled at covering up their sin (or denying their true self) in an attempt that they may be above reproach.  As if I could ever be above reproach. The last thing I want others to think of me is, 'above reproach'.

Far better that I am known as I am, sin and all.  That way you get what you see. 

soft pink roses

Sometimes the simplest things bring the greatest comfort.

Soft pink is a gentle color.  Tender and delicate.  To be honest, it has always been a favorite of mine.  Over time I think I outgrew it.  It was too gentle, too delicate for the harsh world I lived in.  I needed bright, bold colors to push against the angst.  Intense colors that declare life.  Loud colors.  There's nothing loud about soft pink. 

Recently, at an indoor flower show, my soul was awakened from her winter's slumber as spring sprung forth in magnificent displays of plants and gardens. Of course I wanted to bring some of it home. While looking over all the choices, I found myself attracted to the soft pink roses.  I dismissed the notion and tried to find something more bold, more vibrant for my table.  Something more my style.  But I kept going back at the array of roses, back to the soft pink ones. They caressed me with their tenderness and beauty; they reminded me of the child within who once loved soft pink things.  They were absolutely lovely. 

For years, I have held back the harshness of life with vibrancy and boldness.  I have pushed away the soft and delicate things in order to survive the sinfulness of men.  Soft pink is a color that would never describe me. But that day I was feeling free; there was something about those soft pink roses that felt so good.  Finally, I gave into to the wanting and embraced them.  My soul smiled as my heart filled with love. God is not finished with me.  I am still ever changing.

My friend and I admired the bouquet, inhaling all its glory.  I decided to speak the unspoken. In a quiet voice, I said, "Ya want to know something? These soft pink roses is really what I'm like on the inside." She looked at me in utter disbelief and said, "Really? Maybe you should let it show more often."  "Hmmmm, maybe I should."

Maybe I will.