We've been here two months, ONLY TWO MONTHS; and I am miserable. Everything is hard. I have only two friends; I need dozens more. I am very tired of this culture. Everything here---yes! EVERYTHING is done half-ass. Everything needs to be fixed. EVEN BRAND NEW FURNITURE NEEDS TO BE FIXED!! I hate hauling water! I hate not having what I need to bake! I hate improvising for measuring cups---the cookies never come out right! I can not understand how anyone can think THIS life is so exciting and fulfilling??
Not so pretty, eh? Kind of ugly, actually.
Ugly colors make ugly pictures. So here I am, a missionary---with the responsibility to communicate back to the church on how God is working. But, truth be told, I think it's more like helping the church feel good about supporting us. Ya see, during our previous missionary travels, I publicly shared my personal struggles---honestly, openly, and without filters. So many from over 20 other supporting churches expressed sincere appreciation for my true colors, which, of course, encouraged me to keep sharing. However, after being confronted by our church leadership about my not so pretty depictions of life on the mission field, I realized they preferred a lighter shade of my true colors---don't change them, just lighten it up. The message I got: Paint pretty pictures with not so pretty colors.
So that's it...people want to feel good about supporting missionaries. Why of course! And pretty pictures feel good. It's so missionary-like to write and express about the wonderment of living on the mission field, the great work being done in the name of Christ, and the utter satisfaction of living a life set apart. The irony is that every missionary knows that this is not the real story. But it's the story my church leadership wants to hear--oh, let a touch pity be seen, but if the missionary's experience is too ugly, or too hard, or too sad, or too whatever, then it must not be from God. Surely, God's will is 'happily ever after.' What a pip!
And since I mentioned God's will---could it be that God's will is wherever we find ourselves, regardless of our personal comfort or present state of mind? Is not God's will to be with us? Sometimes life just ain't pretty...even when we are walking humbly with God in faithful obedience. Sometimes the journey is just hard, ugly, sad, and utterly lonely.
Sometimes there's just nothing pretty to paint.
